There is nothing like watching a loved one die to suddenly make every thing you ever disagreed on petty and pointless. What seemed so important now just mocks you as you stare at the ceiling in the dark. Months afterward you sit in the silence of the aftermath; your eyes adjusting to an entirely new perspective.
Every thing you ever held against any one, their faults, commissions, or omissions of behavior become more and more a man of straw – like labor pain after a babies birth – it no longer matters. In their weakness you see clearly because suddenly it is so clear at how helpless we truly are. How we would have changed things if we would have only had the power. How we misunderstood one another. Realizing that our anger is only an effort to manipulate disliked behavior of another person instead of seeking to give it to God. I sit conflicted, confused and disappointed at my vast waste of misdirected passions. Wondering why I was unable to see it all before. Wishing that I, too, could change past behavior in the clarity of suffering.
Words… they matter so little and so much. They fall short, they make me weary and sad. Often, they are only full of a lack of love and understanding. We debate, argue, and turn our back but to what end? At the end of the day we will look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we truly are; many things we held so tightly in our hand will only be straw. We’re sinners who can’t love. Faultfinders with a multitude of faults. Pointing fingers, rejection, perceived hurts… a desire for justice… for vengeance. Anger and love wrestle… the flesh… the blood… forgiveness versus justice.
We think we know so much looking through these dark glasses; we think we see… Does God really care about loveless and empty arguments? Will my entrance to heaven be obtained by passing a 20 page exam on theology? Or will I have met the criteria to love God and my neighbor as myself? Will my love cover a multitude of faults or will I follow the path of the pharisees? Do we dare to love and do we dare to actually see before it is too late…